oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
