it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
