You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
