awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
