So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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