brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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