you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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