3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
