we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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