just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
