Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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