Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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