i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
