What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
