I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
