I could make wine with my vomit
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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