I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
