ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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