when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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