why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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