The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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