They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Randomize
