I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
