i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
