I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
