She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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