I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
