Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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