things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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