When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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