I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
