I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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