Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
