at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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