I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
why do cheetos always look like penises
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
