possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
