I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
