it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
