My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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