i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
