The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
