If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
