Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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