I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
