every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Randomize
