He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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