my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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