Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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