I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He better not be in your backpack
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize