Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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