The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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