i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
