I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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