u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
