I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
