I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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