I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
