Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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