She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
