ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Randomize