good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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