Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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