I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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