Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
