I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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