my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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