I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
