I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize